The process has been slow and humiliating.
A few nights ago, I found some time to sit down and study. I was so glad that I had finally made some progress and was feeling quite lofty about the whole thing. Mere moments later, I found myself tangled in a petty disagreement with Hans, my mouth hurling foolish, hurtful words. To make matters worse, instead of apologizing right away, I even tried to justify myself.
How do I fall so far and so quickly? One moment I was listening to Lady Wisdom, thinking I understood her. The next moment, I had my face planted in dirt.
With my hand on my mouth, and my mouth in the dust, I give thanks. The Lord chastens me still. He has not given up on his disobedient child. The question is whether I am listening.
I do not have the strength to utter the words of Charles Simeon, but they serve, nevertheless, as a good aim to pursue.
Repentance is in every view so desirable, so necessary, so suited to honor God, that I seek that above all. The tender heart, the broken and contrite spirit, are to me far above all the joys that I could ever hope for in this vale of tears. I long to be in my proper place, my hand on my mouth, and my mouth in the dust... I feel this to be safe ground. Here I cannot err... I am sure that whatever God may despise... He will not despise the broken and contrite heart.
3 comments:
Thank you, for writing this post. First, that you were so honest. I have definitely been there - sometimes, immediately after a conference or sermon, I find myself going in exactly the opposite direction of what I've just learned! A pastor once said that sometimes the Lord will let you "eat what you have preached" - meaning, that He lets us learn the very same lesson that we gave (or will give). I really like how you wrote this because I have often come to that question too, "How did I fall so far and so quickly?"
What a quote! I've re-read it a few times. The last few lines are especially beautiful ("I feel this to be safe ground"). Thank you for sharing in the middle of preparing for the conference!
how did the workshop go? did you record it?
I learned a lot, about Lady Wisdom and how we are to behold her. So grateful Hans (persistently) asked me to do this. =)
No, I don't think it was recorded. phew. =)
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