Saturday, September 1, 2012

A cure for the delusional

So I thought I was a pretty thankful person. I appreciated life, generally speaking.

When I complained (which was often), I tried to end my whining and groaning on a cheery note. e.g. "I am so grateful I get to learn about blah blah blah." Rule of thumb when whining: Always end with a smiley face. =)

To be sure, I was sincere, I think -- both with my smiley faces and the giving of thanks. But it wasn't hard to be grateful when things were going well. It's like when I thought I was a pretty good person back in high school.

A seventeen year-old me, laying in bed after school, reading fictions, writing in my journals about how life was not going the way I expected. No real responsibilities. No one depending on me. It was easy to think of myself as a kind, patient, and happy person.

My self-image was at best delusional.

As it turns out, I've been delusional about my sense of gratitude as well. For these past two months, the little conveniences of life were systematically removed, one after another. Some for a few weeks, some for a few days. I swallowed a fat slice of humble pie and it was not yummy.

My sense about what is lovely and wonderful has been redefined. Here are a few of my new favorite things, in case I forget this lesson and suffer from conceited delusions again (not too long from now, I'm sure).

1. A pipe under our kitchen sink was clogged with plaster.
Don't ever think, a home could work without a kitchen sink.
I love my sink, even when it stinks.

2. Refrigerator, often overlooked.
Without it, I could hardly cook.
And no cooking is no good.

3. There may be tantrums, big or small.
Our own walls now contain them all.

4. Hanan spilled yogurt smoothie all over himself two days in a row. I nearly laughed (but I didn't) because my husband just bought and installed my very first --
mean, lean washing machine!
It's shiny and it cleans!
And it makes me happy, like caffeine, and dark jeans.
The children calls it our TV screen (we don't own a TV).

I am reading one too many Dr. Suess books, I think, words that rhyme sound happier, somehow.

For the record, I am typing this while sitting at my very own desk, in my very own chair, with my own very own cup of Earl Grey -- for the first time since June 30. I never knew I loved being at a desk so much.

happy sigh.

I am grateful. =)


Swansea said...

so many things to be grateful for~ praise God!(including you. i shared with betty today at worship team practice about how i was grateful for you and hans. ^_________^)

delusional. so easy to distort reality to our liking. thanks (again) for the reminder~

Serenely said...

How did you survive without a washing machine??? Or a kitchen sink???

The whole experience must have felt like one big camping adventure, eh?

Seda said...

Swansea - I'm grateful for you as well. so grateful.

Serene - we went to the laundry mat, at a not so shiny part of town (cheaper). quite an interesting experience. as for the kitchen sink -- well, thankfully that was fixed within three or four days.

Seda said...

p/s fyi I am not a camper kind of girl, at least not at this stage of life. =)