Monday, January 24, 2011

Conversations with me and myself

I talk to myself a lot these days. An effective way to stay calm with two babies. I highly recommend it.

Sometimes, present-me speaks to present-me.

Sometimes, present-me speaks to me-of-the-past. Those conversations go something like this:
Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! Soooo dumb!
Ugh. That was so embarrassing!
Please don't ever do that again.
Me-of-the-past is usually not allowed to talk, lest she try to make lame excuses for her silliness.

Future-me is a strange one. She visits once in a while.

She visited me at around week-four after Emeth's birth.

The days were long and dark. The jaundice. The blood tests, needle after needle into my newborn's heels. The endless feedings. The pain and the weariness and the questions and confusion as to why my child did not fit the descriptions in the books I read about newborns! Did I mention the endless feedings? A little person who demanded me, me, and more of me.

She said to me (in a very serious tone),
Not too long from now, Emeth will cry and there will be nothing you can do for him. When he is 7, 17, 67, his heart will break in ways you cannot mend. He will desire things your arms will not satisfy.
Right now, he just wants you.
Suddenly, the endless feedings didn't seem so bad.
He is hungry?  I can feed him.
He needs to be held? I have arms.
He wants me? I have me!

Spring broke open in my darkness.

You have me, little ones.
You will always have me.


natsue86 said...

Ah, yes. This is so good to give the proper perspective. My first week with Mikayla was SOOOOOO challenging, but I kept reminding myself over and over that she was worth it, and that it was a huge privilege to have a baby when there are so many couples who long to but cannot. I would whisper "I love you" as the tears of pain and weariness poured down my cheeks, and somehow, we made it. This week is a brand new week full of blessings and lots less pain--and more sleep! God is good! :)

serene555 said...

books are the worst guilt trippers. Poor nathan has had to througj so many different experiments by his parents who are trying to get things exactly right.your words of wisdom do help put things in perspective

YeeLing said...

hehe you have you :D
hmm i feel like i shouldn't be commenting since i have no children >.> lol

YeeLing said...

but that was beautiful :)
it's always nice to hear it again though we've had conversations about this many times